(6)

I went to visit Astrid. She was overly happy about a new book she found and could stop talking about it. Eventually she asked me to take out my cards. We were going to play card games again. She even wanted to get her brother, but something devastated happened that very instant. I saw I lost all my sevens. My eyes had widened and I couldn’t believe my eyes at first. I sought and sought vigorously. Astrid helped. The tears were welling up in my eyes, as I went through every card again and again. I looked in the box several times but they weren’t there either. I became anxious and didn’t know what to do. Tears were brimming over. I kept looking for my missing cards. I began to cry and Astrid had putted her arms around me. She told me not to cry. She patted my back. But I kept crying. These cards were my mothers, the last gift she had given me. It was my connection to her. And now four cards were missing. I was always careful with them. Astrid tried to shush me and whispered all kinds of thing. She said that they are maybe still at home. But I was certain they weren’t. Then she began with her magic stuff again and said that they were maybe magical like my mom told me. That is just ridicules, but I didn’t say it out loud. I putted all the cards back in the box counting them. So I wouldn’t lose another one. We went downstairs and ate dinner, which her mom had prepared. She saw there was something wrong and Astrid told everything to her mom. Her mom nodded and went over to me. She patted my head and said that I didn’t have to worry and that I’ll find them soon enough. She told me that my mom wouldn’t disappear with the cards and that she’ll be with me as long as I remember her. I know she wanted to be nice, but it wasn’t very comforting to me. I rather have my cards back. So I just nodded to what she said. After that I listened to Astrid’s talks about magic, wordlessly. I didn’t want to hurt her, but she knew I was sad and wouldn’t say much. She also didn’t expect anything of me the whole evening. When I was at home, I was alone as my father hadn’t arrived yet from work. I did some chores. I cleaned a lot because I wanted to find my cards. I didn’t think that I had lost them somewhere in the house, but maybe it was possible. I looked everywhere and when I heard my father coming home I rushed to my bed and tucked myself in and pretended to sleep. I heard him open my door and then he closed it again. I waited for him to go downstairs. When I heard that he had arrived in the hallway, I pushed my blanket away and stood up. I looked in my whole room for the sevens but couldn’t find them here either. I looked around and grabbed my iPod. I undressed myself and putted on my pyjamas. I putted the deck of cards on their regular place and went to bed. I putted the earplugs in and listened to some music. Music is a thing that keeps me at ease. Whenever I have a down period I would listen to a lot of tracks. I have three different kinds of mp3s, all full. I also have five mp4s, also full. I had bought them when mp3s weren’t as loved as they once were. Eventually, I have six different iPods and I have the latest version with the most capacity too. These six are also full. They were bought in a financial optimum for us. You see I like all kinds of music. And music sets mood, so I kind of have a devise for every mood of music. I mean not really every mood, but still for different moods I have enough. If I found another big amount of tracks I would ask my father for another one. He doesn’t always say yes and mostly I have to wait for some kind of celebration before I get one. But I don’t care much about that. It doesn’t bother me that I have to wait for a long time. I looked at the house for my cards. Maybe the sevens were hiding in there. I looked at the ceiling and the glowing stars that were put there, when I was three, greeted me with their greenish glow. I putted a soft song on. I wanted to fall asleep so I wouldn’t have to think anymore. I wanted to fall asleep to have this day ended. I wanted to fall asleep so I could wake up from this day that was a nightmare. I just wanted to sleep so I wouldn’t have to cry. I hated crying and mostly when someone can see it. It made me look weak and I am not. No crying from that day on. I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to be strong, for myself and my dad. I needed to be strong and had to carry my dad. I needed to grow up fast and grown up don’t cry. Grown-ups don’t wail over something as trivial as a card. Grown-ups don’t cry over their losses all the time, they do it once and then stop. I needed to become strong and lift my head up. And I was going to do this. I would start after that I have fallen asleep. I needed to sleep because I would be able to grow up and I would be able to become the person that I needed to be at this time. I pulled out the earplugs but the silence scared me. So I putted them back in and gradually lowered the volume. And when it was still on volume one, I dared to pull them out again. And this time the silence didn’t overcome me as something that had to be feared. The silence was nice.