Stage One: Shock and Denial. The Twilight of My heart

 

Chapter 2: Stage One: Shock and Denial. The Twilight of My heart.

 

 

 

I sat by a huge rock throwing away crumbs of bread by the lake while ducks underneath my feet fight their way for that small piece of food. The diffused light from the sky brings out orange, purple and gray that burst out like a mess of sad melancholic colors. The sun is almost below the horizon and the refraction of light is flawless and magical.

 

I felt tears pooled down my cheeks as soon as the skyline blurred from my eyesight. What have I done wrong?

 

The final send off didn’t come gradually. It is more of a surprise like I am blindsided by some weird joke of time.

 

Before the break up we talked for hours about our future, our dreams, our desires. It has only been a year since we were separated and I knew we are one of those few lucky couples who can overcome the hardship of a long distance relationship. In a few weeks time we are celebrating our third year anniversary and I am lost for words for his great timing.

 

I am coming home to him in a few days. Can’t he wait a few more days?

 

I felt my sobs scared the ducks away and the surroundings became darker. Like my poor little fragile heart that has lost it’s light. I stood up trying to get a grip as I pushed the tears away with my bare hands. Those warm tiny droplets that envelop my cold heart.

 

I knocked down the bottle of cranberry juice I was drinking and it scattered into hundreds of miniscule pieces leaving a complete mess of red and sharp shards of glass.

 

I cried.

 

“Sam. Sam, are you alright?”

 

I looked up and saw my good friend Nathan carrying his bag of pastels and paints with a small canvass under his arms.

 

I cried harder.

 

“Sam.” He tried to comfort me by giving his handkerchief. “Goodness, you’re a mess. What happened to you?”

 

Lost for words I looked down at the clutter of glass underneath my feet. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.” I cried pointing at the wreck of what I have become. “I didn’t mean to. I am sorry.”

 

Nathan hugged me not knowing what to do. “Hush Sam. It’s fine. It’s just glass. We can clean it up.”

 

I shook my head. “No Nate I can never pick up the pieces again. It will never be the same.” I sob unable to control myself. “Why does it have to be me?”

 

Nathan helped me to stand up and quickly dialed someone’s number. “Gemma, Sam and I are here by the lake. She seems out of herself.” Then he hanged up.

 

Gemma is my bestfriend. She knows everything from my first period to my long awaited engagement. You can say she’s been with me all throughout out my life. When I decided to work away from home she supported me by packing her clothes and coming with me. She’s the sister I never had. We know each other too well we can be called twins by mistake.

 

There is only one thing that Gemma doesn’t know about me. She doesn’t know that Daniel and I broke up.

 

My mascara drew black circles on my face as it smudges whenever I rubbed my eyes to clear away the continuous pouring of tears.

 

“What's wrong Sam? Tell me.” Nate pleaded so hard it’s as if he is crying himself.

 

I am too pitiful for words.

 

“I am sorry.” I heard myself say. “I am so sorry. I can change. I will change. Please don’t go. Please.”