Sidelines

He was perfect.

 

Exaggerating, yes, but still never in my entire life have I believed that someone who looks like he jumped out of a storybook could be so real and so totally mesmerizing. He was popular, he was charming, he was alluring, and he was everything I wished my dream guy would be.

 

He was my perfect dream guy.

And yet, he was taken.

And I was nobody.

 

My friends say I’m hopeless because, well fuck, I seriously looked hopeless. Just the mention of his name has got me internally spazzing and emotionally melting as I turn my head like a crazed ostrich trying to get even just a glance of his broad back.

If I were to be able to stand by his side, I would be the happiest person alive (again, I’m exaggerating here) and I could care less of other things. Just being able to have my hand in his, my head leaning on his broad shoulders, and his dazzling smile directed to me would be enough to call it a good day.

I sighed as I watched him walk hand-in-hand with his other half.

 

Sadly, being beside him would just have to wait because for now, I’m content with just watching from the sidelines.

 

~sidelines~

 

Games are fun.

Watching him play was more fun.

But being able to interact with him was the best type of fun.

 

As I watched them form a caterpillar chain while running around the room, I couldn’t help but laugh. There was a lot of pushing and pulling as people started to connect with whoever was at the end of the chain.

 

He was no different.

 

Watching him laugh as he pointed at the growing caterpillar chain sent my heart into a beating frenzy. The way his eyes scrunch in laughter was adorable and the way he snorted in between laughs was simply cute.

When he suddenly jumped in and held onto the shoulders of the last person in the caterpillar, there was a war that consisted of harsh pushes and pulls between the girls.

 

 I was no different.

 

I literally pushed one of my classmates away just so I can grab onto those broad shoulders. And when I did, I internally squealed like the fan girl I am. As the line continued to lengthen, my eyes continued to stay on the vision of his back. And when the game came to an end, the act of letting go was almost not in my interest.

“Great game. Hope you had fun.”

He flashed his most dazzling smile before walking away and leaving me to stand frozen in the middle of the room with scarlet cheeks and a small grin hiding in my lips.

When the music started to play, I snapped out of my reverie and quickly skipped back to the sides where I can continue my internal happy dance.

Students started to cheer as he and his little band of friends started dancing to choreographed moves. To say that I was awe-struck would be an understatement. Every move of his body made me step closer to fainting as he expertly swayed his hips and winked at the crowd.

He was a death-causing dance machine.

And watching him do his thing under the blinking lights and loud dance music was the best of the best type of fun.

 

~sidelines~

 

The news about their break-up spread like wildfire.

I couldn’t say that I was completely sad because my dream just took a step into becoming real. A little hope wasn’t that bad, right?

Wrong.

Just as fast as it appeared, that little hope vanished as soon as I saw him in grief and melancholy. My heart clenched tight as I felt pain wash over my system. And it wasn’t the pain of pity.

It was the pain of realization.

The pain of realizing that he loved her, so much, that it was enough to make him grieve and cry for her name.

 

And just like him, I was grieving for a completely different reason.

 

~sidelines~

 

Watching couples walk around the campus was testing the green monster inside me.

Watching the boys give heartfelt gifts to the girls made me want to turn away but I can’t.

Watching them hold hands made my whole body feel cold.

And watching the girl lean to plant a kiss on his cheek made me want to cry out for help.

 

The intense feeling of having someone to do all those things to was almost unbearable. The feeling of having someone to talk to and confide in, someone to hold hands with when strolling in the park, someone to hug when the horrors of the night start to kick in, was something I have never felt in all my seventeen years of life.

But it was something I wanted to feel.

I watched as he stood under the dark, cool shade of the sycamore tree – his back leaning so comfortably on the bark and his hands tucked away in his pockets as he stared at the swaying leaves, his hearing blocked by the earphones blasting away. I found myself unconsciously walking towards the tree and leaning back on the opposite side of him, my books tucked in my chest tightly as a small smile crept upon my face.

 

I was so near him.

 

The small blush on my cheeks was enough to portray what I was feeling right at this moment. Now, if I could just talk to him.

“Hey.”

The sound of his deep, baritone voice froze me in my spot. Did he know that I was behind him? My thoughts became a disarray of words as I tried to open my mouth to return the greeting when I realized that I wasn’t the one he was addressing.

 

Hearing him laugh in happiness left me gaping.

Hearing him say those three little words made me hug my books tighter.

And knowing that they were back together again ripped my heart into shreds.

 

As I listened to their vanishing voices and laughs, I didn’t realize the tears that flowed down my flushed cheeks as I slid down onto the earth and buried my head in my arms.

 

I am so pathetic.

A soft laugh of self-pity escaped my trembling lips as I wiped the tears from the corner of my eyes and stood up.

 

I don’t even have the right to cry.

 

~sidelines~

 

The stage was decorated in gold and blue ribbons as it welcomed the students who were able to surpass the four hardcore years of high school. Dressed in their dark blue toga, they happily marched up the stage, a grin of victory, some of content, plastered on their faces.

I paid no attention to the ceremony as I sat in the crowd. I was only waiting for one name to be called and when it was, I sat up straight and gave my all in clapping. I smiled from ear to ear as I watched him receive his diploma and take a bow.

As the ceremony came to an end and every student accommodated their proud families, I continued to sit there in the bleachers as I watched everything happen. I’ll be experiencing this soon – the excited chatter about college life, the exchange of memories that happened in the past four years, and the heart-breaking goodbyes between the best of friends. I know that I would encounter those.

 

It’s just that I wish it wouldn’t happen soon.

That it would happen today instead.

With him.

 

Everything around me started to move in slow motion until I could see nobody left. The place was empty and strangely enough, I felt the same.

I found myself walking alone back to my dorm when I saw him.

Standing beneath the sycamore tree, he was eyeing the entire campus. A final memory, huh. I smiled as I remembered the white rose tucked carefully in my pocket. It would be the last time I’ll be seeing him and once, just once, I wanted to be able to say even just a single word to him, to let him know that I’m here, that I exist.

Maybe a simple “Congratulations!” would do.

As I took a step towards him, I found myself stopping as two familiar arms wrapped around his waist and kissed him on the cheek. The sight of the two of them standing under the tree, silhouettes in the setting sky was like something out of a movie. They looked so…

 

Perfect.

 

As painful as it was, I turned around and walked away. As difficult as it is, I knew that I had to move on and accept the fact that I’m just a small star in a sea of bigger ones.

Because just like when my world revolved around him, his world revolves around her.

 

It will take time, but I’ll move on.

Eventually.

 

~sidelines~

 

Being late in the first day of my senior year was a big no. 

I fixed my things and chewed on my sandwich as I scrambled on the steps of the building to reach my classroom. The halls were already empty and the bell had gone off ten minutes ago.

Thankfully, the teacher was not yet in my classroom and when I sat on the far end seat by the window, I released a deep sigh and slumped back on my seat, eyes glued outside the window.

The leaves of the sycamore were dancing with the gentle breeze as little rays of sunshine shone through the gaps. A small smile crept upon my lips as I reminiscence the memory of him standing beneath the said tree. I wonder how he is doing? Thoughts started to race in my head that made me pay no attention to the on-going class.

 

~sidelines~

 

Break time was something I always looked forward to when I’m in school, so as soon as the bell rang, I bolted out of my seat and took the first step out of the classroom and onto the grassy plains of the campus.

Walking aimlessly as I tried to waste the time out, I didn’t notice a bunch of idiots running towards me. The moment I did notice them, I was already on the floor, things scattered across the dirt and a bunch of snickering and wolf whistles resonating behind me. I turned to glare but they just laughed and ran away.

 

Idiots.

 

I started picking up my things when another pair of hands started to help. I looked up to see a boy smiling softly, a small tint of pink on his face, and very nervous-looking eyes framed by fashion glasses.

“H-hi.”

“Um, hey.”

I don’t know what happened but I think my response was what made him race away after bowing his head. My forehead creased in confusion as I tried to think of a reason for what he did. It took me a moment but that’s when I realized it. And when I did, I couldn’t help but laugh.

The way he looked at me was the same way I used to look at the object of my affection.

As I strolled to my next class, I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

 

In every life, there will be that one person that will stand by the sidelines, thinking that that’s all he’ll ever be. But what he doesn’t know is that…

 

He’s the sun of another person in the sidelines.