I am? ...I AM PERFECT

I stand before you all,

My throat dry as the numbers endlessly pass through my lips,

Hopelessly hoping I'm in time and that I will do well.

Yet doubt starts to creep...

Will she notice me if I forget her directions?

I don't think she's right. Maybe she won't notice if I do it differently.

My anxiety starts to build as I remember what I've been told...

Why does she listen to that music, it's trash.

Why does she keep singing when other people tell her to stop? Augh what kind of person is she...

Look at what she does, what a waste of time-

"Did you know what happened?"

"They weren't following me?"

"That doesn't sound like a statement. Talk to them, not me."

"You guys started to slow down. Please follow me and watch. Again."

And although I cringe as everyone has to start over, at the end I'm standing with my shoulders back. I can look at each of them in the eye again.

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face.

Treat me like I will take you seriously, because then I won't.

I notice everything you do, so don't try to hide in the shadows.

I am not always right, but neither are you.

My music may be trash to you, but you don't know my life the way I do.

I don't stop singing because I don't want to forget how my voice sounds. I rather have to rip off the duct tape off my skin, have people walk out of the room, or be put in a different room then make myself be comfortable with the silence and the fear that someone should hear my tone-deaf claims to joy.

I do what I do because I find that it's worth more than your thoughts.

 

It took a bunch of you, people I thought I trusted, several weeks to find a weak joint, to hammer a chip into my shoulder, to diminish the smile off my face,

Yet in an hour one person was able to restore my confidence in myself

Just by being patient

Giving guidance

And made no judgements based on my actions.

 

What am I?

I'm insecure,

I'm unsure,

I'm inexperienced.

But I'm better than to let myself be belittled by your own insecurities and judgements.

 

I am not a hardened person.

I carry burdens of other people without expecting anything back.

But when you laugh when you think I'm not looking,

Do you really blame me for closing the door in your face?