Gravity (Song-fic)

 

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do 

I'll still feel you here 

'til the moment I'm gone.

 

Jessica had cried for a few days, slept a few more, but now she does nothing. When she speaks, ever less frequently, she asks, “Why did they send me away? What did I do t- Why did they stop loving me? ...Why did they want to hurt me ...so badly? I... tried so hard. ...Why? Why couldn’t- Why?” whether anyone is there to hear her or not.

Krystal knocks lightly on her door and comes in quietly. “Please stop crying... Get up. Please?”

Jessica awakens from her weeklong semi-catatonia of laying in bed neither sleeping nor awake. Her red, puffy eyes open slowly. “Just leave me alone,” she says hoarsely.

Krystal bows her head and leaves, closing the door in front of herself as she takes a last look at her sister. Less than an hour later, she comes back with a tray of Jessica’s favorite foods. “What do you want to eat?”

“Dump- ...lings.”

“What do you guys want?” a random fellow trainee asks.

Tiffany points to Jessica and then herself. “She wants dumplings and I want spaghetti!”

“You didn’t need to say that for me,” Jessica says once the other girl leaves, a bit prickly.

The younger girl shrugs. “Was I wrong?”

Lips pressed together, the older girl doesn’t answer.

“I was right. I was so totally right.” Little eyes laugh at her.

Jessica swallows hard. “Nevermind. I’m not hungry.”

“Unnie,” Krystal whines, setting the tray down and flopping onto Jessica’s bed. “You have to be hungry...”

Jessica grits her teeth so that she won’t gag. “I’m not.”

Krystal sighs. “Okay, Unnie, I’ll leave it here for you. I hope you’ll eat it.”

“I’ll try.” Jessica smiles for her BabyJung.

 

#

 

“Unnie, don’t eat that-”

“I’ll eat what I want, Mak- Soojungie.” 

The sadness in Krystal’s eyes intensifies. “But you need some real food after all this time.”

“I’m fine, Juh- Jungie.”

 

#

 

“Unnie, aren’t you going to answer the door?”

Jessica doesn’t look up from her phone. “Nah, Yul’ll get it. That dork’s always boun- cing- ...Yeah, I’ll get that.” She comes back from talking with a Jehovah’s Witness. “I almost told him to hold on while I went to get Soo- or Ste- one of those die-hard Christian ...ones. I’m never going to be free of them, am I?”

Krystal rubs her sister’s arm. “It’ll just take some time. ...I ...do the same thing with Sulli-ah.”

The brunette’s eyes fill with pity and anger. “At least you guys didn’t make her leave. ... Is she okay?”

The white-blonde sighs and tries to smile. “Ddulli-neun’s fine.”

“Ah, that kind of ‘fine’. ...Me too.”

 

#

 

You hold me without touch.

You keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much 

Than to drown in your love 

And not feel your reign.

 

Jessica remembers when all that Sunny, Sooyoung, or Tiffany had to do was smile at her for her to feel their warm embrace. When Seohyun or Yoona had merely to look at her with shimmering eyes for Jessica to feel like a hero. When all Yuri or Hyoyeon had to do was put her in a joking headlock to keep her from getting up from the couch or out of bed. She thinks of when she had been the leader, not Taeyeon. When she had thought everything would be okay if she could just get Taeyeon to love her again, or at least like her.

“Whatsa matter, Taeyeonie?” Jessica asks.

“Look.” The smaller girl forlornly holds out the final roster for SNSD.

Jessica smiles. “You’ll be a great leader, Taeyeonie. ...I’ll help you.” She negotiates and pleads with the bosses on SNSD’s behalf less frequently from then on. Instead, she coaches Taeyeon on what to say and how to say it, holding the older girl’s hand when they meet with SM higher-ups. Then she lets Taeyeon prep and talk without assistance.

Wanting to stand alone, Taeyeon pushes Jessica away. It gets to the point where Jessica and even Taeyeon start to think that Taeyeon doesn’t need Jessica anymore...

It looks like they were right after all.

 

#

 

Set me free. Leave me be. 

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall,

Just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

 

Jessica lies awake well past midnight, as she's done for more than half her life.

“What are you doing?” she cries when Sunny falls back onto Jessica’s bed and pulls Jessica down on top of herself.

The younger girl wraps her arms around Jessica’s shoulders, keeping Jessica’s head on her chest. “Sleep, Sica-yah.”

"But it’s barely 10 o'clock! I’ll just lie awake all night!”

“Just rest then.” Sunny throws the covers over both of them. One of her hand rubs the older girl’s back while the other strokes her hair.

Jessica’s soft, even breathing tickles Sunny’s collarbone moments later.

Then Sunny's rustles Jessica’s hair.

She wakes up in tears, not knowing how or when she fell asleep, same as that night. No. She can’t live in memories and broken dreams anymore, but there’s not much else she can do otherwise either. She still smells her ex-group mates on her skin even when she’s fresh out of the shower. Their voices ring in her ears and heart no matter how loud she blasts music that she actually likes. Her eyes see the other Girls opened or closed.

Even when they aren’t pursuing her with apologies she doesn’t want to hear for a myriad of reasons, the “fans” and reporters don’t give up. It never stops.

“Girls’ Generation member Yuri has come Hong Kong?” a journalist ineptly asks her.

“Oh! I didn’t ...know that.” Yes, I did. I know exactly what room she’s in at what hotel and what time she’ll be there, not that I wanted to know. “But she’s in Hong Kong? ...I see.”

“Yes, did you date her for gathering?”

What?? 

“...For gathering? ...Will you get together?”

Oh. "I; I don’t, I don’t think so. Yeah.”

Jessica’s wrong. And she’s not the only one who knows some things. Thanks a whole Hell of a lot, Soojung, she thinks when Yuri shows up at her hotel room instead.

“Sica-baby, please! Please don’t slam the door in my face.” Yuri bites her lip and closes her eyes like she knows Jessica’s going to do it anyway.

“Get in here.” Jessica growls and yanks Yuri into the room. “What do you want?” She doesn’t let the younger girl more than three steps into her space.

Yuri crushes her in a hug, smelling her hair and unable to let go for a long time. “How are you? Please at least just tell me that.”

Jessica forces a smile that anyone could see through, especially someone who made it her life mission to do so. “I’m fine.”

“Sica-ah, you’re lying,” Yuri says sadly. “I know you are. ...I didn’t think you could lie to me.”

The older girl crosses her arms in front of her chest to keep her shoulders squared. “Well, you all are the experts on lying, after all.”

“It was all a misunderstanding! We were tricked! Please; you gotta believe me!”

I don’t want to.

 

#

 

Sooyoung bursts into Jessica's hotel room during New York Fashion Week in the same manner, to the same effect.

The smaller girl closes her eyes, trying not to cry and telling herself that she isn’t inhaling the younger girl’s scent as if holding onto it will keep her head above water in the flood of emotion crashing over them both.

Oftentimes, anyone in front of them might only see Sooyoung, a bump around her middle where Jessica’s arms were hiding under the younger girl's loose sweatshirt, and Jessica’s shoes peeking out between hers.

Sometimes, Sooyoung curled into herself so that Jessica could be Big Spoon once in a while when they lazed around.

When they first met, Sooyoung didn’t have to make herself small for Jessica to be the taller between them; she just was.

Jessica pulls away from the brunette. If only we could go back in time, Sooyoungie.

 

#

 

“Don't ever talk to me again, Jung Soojung!”

Krystal sniffles and leaves her sister alone. She comes back moments later with a sketch pad of various sunglasses designs and a hopeful smile. “Which one do you like best? I like-”

“None...”

“I’m never speaking to you again, Im Yoona!”

Yoona pouts. When Jessica looks away from her, she grins as an idea forms in her devious mind. “Ne, Unnie, what time is it?”

“12:17- ...You brat!” Jessica giggles and pulls Yoona into a noogie-hug.

“None of them. I don’t want any of them!”

 

#

 

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.

When I thought that I was strong.

But you touch me for a little while, 

And all my fragile strength is gone.

 

Despite their denial of her suspicions, Jessica comes to believe that “the eight others,” as she calls them now, only seek her out from guilt and obligation until she’s sure of it. But she also thinks of teeny-tiny Sunny taking her under her wing from their first hardship. Of Sooyoung, Hyoyeon, Yuri, Yoona, and Tiffany, always trying to protect her. Of their loving Maknae and her sense of duty. Of Taeyeon’s burden of leadership.

SNSD started out with Jessica being the strong one who spoke up for them, to the bosses at SM, producers, paparazzi, anyone. In the middle of their time together, they had jokingly barred her from speaking in interviews and at variety shows due to her off-the-wall comments and Sica-effect. SNSD ended with Jessica barely able to speak at all, held in silence by cold shoulders and her sense of self-preservation, even as her heart crumbled to pieces.

Hugged or hit, lifted up or held down, she melted under their hands and lost any ability that she thought she had to stand alone. She couldn’t even move on her own. But worst of all was being let go entirely, not having any hands on her. She wonders if she’ll ever be able to move ...on.

“When are you going to release a single? Where's your solo album?” thousands upon thousands of people ask her a week.

I won’t. I can’t sing without them.

“I miss your voice! I need it in my life!” Instagrammers scream for her.

Yeah... Me too, she wants to say but doesn’t.

 

#

 

Set me free. Leave me be. 

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.

Here I am and I stand so tall,

Just the way I'm supposed to be.

But you're on to me and all over me.

 

When Jessica first found out that had she gotten into SNSD, she thought that all her dreams had come true. So many times she had turned down proposals to be a solo artist. She wanted to be in a group and adamantly stuck to her desire. She remembers the times when she had wanted to quit— not SNSD but being a performer. She thought the nine of them would all grow old together, whether they made it or not, whether they eventually disbanded or not.

“You’re warm.” Hyoyeon presses her face to the back of Jessica’s shirt.

“No, I’m not.” Jessica sniffles again. “I’m the ‘Ice Princess,’ remember?”

“Fire, earth, and wind disappear over time, but ice can stick around for millions of years. That’s what’s in …Noah’s ark, right?”

Jessica laughs harshly and uncontrollably. “‘Noah’s ark!’ It’s called ‘the arctic,’ Hyo.”

“Whatever, I still win ‘cuz you’re happy now.”

“You’re the best.”

“You are.”

She thinks of “Gee” and her dreams really coming true. Of finding Japan, a place she was irrevocably loved. Of dreaming about performing their own concert in Tokyo Dome... 

Of when she had found out that she had been released from SNSD but not from SM, and the world turned upside down. Of watching fancams of her ex-members live her dream without her, against all warnings from her family, real (?) friends, she wonders, and Blanc co-workers.

 

#

 

Jessica continues to grow into her own person, standing alone and taking on the world. There’s nothing left to do. She can't go back, but the other Girls continue to reach out to her behind closed doors. Every time she tries to pull away, they only hold on tighter.

They’re still not the only ones, either. When she tries to give the fans something nice to think about in regards to her on September 30th, a sale at Blanc “just because,” it gets taken the wrong way. Her defending of Krystal after her sister's photoshoot with Kai and Taemin gets taken as a dig against Taeyeon. It’s the same old story, same as everything she tries to do on her own and tried to do even when people tried to pit TaengSic against each other even more than she and Taeyeon themselves kept their distance from each other. Fans, anti-fans, common netizens all think and say that she’s trying to hurt SNSD when she’s trying to do things that have nothing to do with them anymore.

How can she ever be free of the past when every move she makes in the present and for the future gets attributed to living in spite of that past? Maybe she had that mentality at first, but she’s learning that living against something is still living for it because what your identity comes from rebelling against it, is still wrapped up in it. 

She knows that it’s the same for the eight others. In everything that they do, the fans and netizens call for them to bring her back, see messages and codes that aren’t really there. But at least SNSD has each other. Maybe she should just give up. She lost her strength long ago, sharing it without realizing that it wouldn’t be returned in the end.

 

#

 

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see

That you're everything I think I need

Here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe,

Though I can't seem to let you go.

 

 

Twelve-year-old Juhyun bows to Jessica so many times so quickly that the older girl is sure that the younger is going to develop some serious abs.

"We were just playing with you before, you know.” She sticks her tongue out.

"N-ne, Sunbaenim.” The child blushes with an awkward smile.

Rolling her eyes, Jessica pulls Juhyun toward herself with an arm around the girl's shoulders and kisses her forehead. 

She is the first to tell Juhyun that Juhyun is SNSD's little sister.

She is not the first co-member whom Juhyun calls "Unnie" rather than “Sunbaenim.”

Jessica snorts briefly at the memories of when the eight others used to be intimidated by her. After she gave the reigns of leadership to Taeyeon, she made sure that they knew that she needed them. She lowered herself to raise them up, made herself weak to satisfy their egos and personas. She remembers when she thought pity was love. When she lied until it became inescapable truth.

She accepts the part she played in her own downfall. She is finally sure that none of them had ever meant to hurt her. Sure, they didn’t help her and blindly followed tricks from SM, but their actions weren’t ill-intentioned. What were they to think after she had unleashed HellSica close to full-force on them, when they had almost forgotten that that part of her existed at all, and then ran out on them? They didn’t know what to do any better than she did and messed up the same as she did.

A part of her that is much bigger than she herself accepts at the moment reminds her, though, that if the situation were reversed, she would never have believed that any of them truly wanted to quit without hearing it from that person’s mouth. She wouldn’t have let the others go along with it either.

I’d have held onto you with everything I had in me, if only I had been given the chance...

No. I still am...

 

The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down, ooh. 

Keeping me down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're on to me, you’re on to me, and all over...

Something always brings me back to you.

It never takes too long.

 

Together, apart, they must let go of the life-preserver that has become an anchor; that which kept her grounded now drags her to the depths of despair and even death. Her rock of refuge has become a crushing weight on her back, and it’s time to let go and escape. Jessica goes into SM one last time, to end her contract on SNSD’s eighth anniversary of their debut. 

She is finally free. 

Jessica kisses Yuri on the cheek as the younger girl starts to leave Jessica’s Hong Kong hotel room. 

"Anytime you need me, us, we'll be here. ...I thought this in Shenzhen when we were singing ‘BackHug’ and I want to tell you it now: Go ahead and make those nice clothes in the store window, Sica-Baby. Then we can wear them together, and each other. ...I love you."

"I love you too." Jessica also smiles through the tears. "Goodbye," she whispers once the elevator doors close Yuri inside of the conveyance.

Now she can go and live her life however she wants to live it, without burden or regret.

But that’s easier said than done.

 

#

 

At fashion shows, Jessica has a very hard time not picking apart the outfits and accessories that she sees according to the other Girls’ tastes and her assessments of them: 

Ooh, Steph would love that purse, but the color’s wrong... Stop thinking about them. 

So ethereal; that blouse would look great on Taeyeonie, especially with her new blon- Stop it! 

Buttons on that skirt? Even Hyo- She grits her teeth, tightening her jaw. Dammit.

“Jessica Jung keeps up her famous bitch face!” tabloids and commenters mock her. 

My Girls will set these jerks straight about me- God help me, she prays to Someone she doesn’t believe in, knowing that there is no rescue in store for her.