Separation

 

 

16/12/2014

Dear ...’One other’ I used to know but who clearly no longer knows me, by her own choice, 

I still don’t know what the point of this is. Doesn’t Manager-unnie know what writing letters is to me? Don’t you “eight others” also know? Why do I have to do this? Well, I guess I'd better write something. Juhyunie is staring at me all, “Poor Unnie,” “I love you,” and “You better do as I told you to do.” You know that look. Or you don’t. You did. But I guess you don’t want to anymore. Like someone else I used to know. ...No. I guess I never knew her. Never knew you either, obviously.

At church a long time ago, the pastor told us that love doesn’t grow; it’s indefinite. Knowing grows as you get closer to a person. Knowing is the basis of love. I guess you don’t want to love us anymore.

Why am I writing this? Why is she are they making me write this? You unnies always take advantage of me! From your and Sunny-unnie’s perving on me, to Sooyoungie-unnie, Yuri-unnie, Hyoyeonie-unnie, Fany-unnie, and Taeyeonie-unnie forcing me to do things to amuse them or “for my own benefit.” And of course, Juhyunie too. You guys are mean. Why can’t you all just leave me alone sometimes? Well, I guess you have. Should this be a thank-you note?

No, don’t leave me alone. I can’t change it now, but I wish No. I know better to wish. You taught me that, remember? You told me to make things happen for myself without waiting for some magic to come along. When you were my mother. When you loved me. When I belonged to you. Can you even read this with all the teardrops all over it? I hope not. I don’t want you to know my heart anymore. 

I trusted you! Did you know that? I finally trusted someone again. And you were the first. And you It’s what you wanted. Did you plan it all along? I can’t, really can’t believe that you of all people abandoned me too!

Do you remember anything? I remember EVERYTHING, especially about you, ‘Umma.’ I’ve never forgotten a word you said to me, spoken or otherwise. Do YOU remember what you said to me? When I was crying over my re- birth mother (No matter what, you are my real mother) like a baby all those nights? You said YOU’D be my mother. 

...I guess you were right. 

Thanks for that, I guess. 

NO! ....You also said you’d weren’t going leave me! YOU SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME THAT! You said I didn’t have to worry about you not wanting me! And I believed you! I trusted you. You lied to me! I can’t believe that YOU lied to me! You hate lies. You won’t tell them and hear right through them. You told me to never, ever lie to you. So I didn’t. Why couldn’t you How on Earth did you fall for

Forget it. (Ha, that's what you're trying to be good at, right?) Moving on, I’m supposed to write about the word “separation.” Well, this IS separation! What else could this be? What else could I ever possibly know? 

Hey Umma, are you taking Appa with you this time? YulSic forever, right? You touch Yuri-unnie, and I will kill you. Do you hear me? I will kill you! You can’t have her. You can’t have her unless you come back to us. I know you don’t want me so I won’t bother following you; but if you

Please come back. Please come back. Please come back. Please come back! PLEASE COME BACK. PLEASE COME BACK! PLEASE COME BACK!!! 

To her. To us. 

To me. 

Please...

If I ever write anything to you now, that^ is all I can say. Maybe I’ll be able to write another letter to you later. Someday. Ah, now I hear your voice in my head. I- Goodbye, Unnie.

Love, 

Your Little Rascal

Or just “Yoona,” I guess

Yes, I still love you. You might have thrown away your love for me, but you can’t throw away my love for you. And you can’t throw me away. I’m still yours whether you accept me or not. ...Please don’t send this letter back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it, like At least spare me that; please. Even if you throw 

 

it away... without reading it. Trembling, Yoona swipes the letter across the table to Seohyun before she herself can crumple or tear it. “Don’t read it!” she cries when all of her members— minus one, her heart mourns— press in around her to comfort her. “And leave me alone! I don’t wanna talk about it.”

SooRi pick her up like she's an infant and hold her between themselves but say nothing with their mouths. 

Hey, I guess this is our kid n-

Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that! “Stop it!” the youngest of the trio cries. “Put me down! Just let me go and leave me alone!”

“I can’t!” Yuri sobs. “Even if I tried, I couldn’t do it! And you-”

“Yes, you-”

“No.” The tallest Girl gently lives up to her NaSoo nickname. “None of us can, Yoona-yah. Not even her. We’ve all fought before, but we can never shut each other out entirely or stop loving each other. You know that. And you know that you don't want us to leave you alone...”

“You’re-” going to follow her, aren’t you? Both of you... All of you.Yoona plays with Sooyoung’s necklace for a moment before finally lifting her eyes to look at the two people holding her together.

No, my love. I’m staying here with you. We all are.

“But you said if one of us goes, ...you’d follow ‘em!”

“No, I said, ‘If one of us goes, we all go,’” Sooyoung says tenderly.

Yuri bites her lip and hides her face with her hair, shaking with tears. Most of the other five people in the room do the same.

“Then, is this the end of SNSD?” Yoona asks still more softly.

“No, Honey. I’m also not going anywhere because she’s coming back. I- ...I know it. You guys know it too, right?” The biggest eyes of the lot plead with the rest.

“She is still with SM,” Taeyeon says evenly. She stops there, but the rest know what she was going to say.

SooRi go straight down, taking Yoona with them, while Seohyun, Tiffany, Sunny, Taeyeon, and Hyoyeon kneel in a circle around them, slumping forward in another group hug.