Bomnal (Song-fic)

 

“I... understand.”

The door to the meeting room clicked shut softly. 

Yoona flinched at the sound.

She was gone. Jessica was really gone.

Tiffany jumped to her feet. “W-wait! Jessi!”

Sooyoung put her hand on Tiffany’s arm. Unable to look at the older girl or show her teary eyes, the younger merely shook her head and choked out, “Let her go.”

Yuri put her head on her arms on the tabletop. “Y-yeah,” she whimpered as she gave up trying to smile. “Don’t make this harder on her.”

Hyoyeon jumped to her feet as well, smacking Yuri for good measure. “As I told you long ago, she is not weak! And making things harder on her is what I do for a living! ...Come on, Choding 2.0!” she said as her hand automatically reached back and pulled Yoona with her. 

A manager blocked them from the exit.

Without pausing or even slowing down, Hyoyeon inescapably told him, “Step aside.”

“Kim Hyoyeon,” he said gravely, “if you walk out that door, there is no coming back.”

The blonde swallowed hard and stared the man down. She let go of Yoona to allow the girl to make her own choice but fully planned on plowing straight ahead. “Fine.”

That is, until a whimper broke behind her. “No, please,” a soft voice begged. “Please don’t leave me, us, Hyoyeonie-unnie. ...Please. We- I-I need you.”

“Juhyunie...” Hyoyeon breathed. Breaking her resolve to not turn around, she faced the other people in the room. 

Two heartbroken faces were pleading with her silently, the only ones looking at her, save for Yoona who was biting her lip and staring her wide eyes at Hyoyeon apprehensively. Yuri’s head was still down as Sooyoung stroked her hair and back. The stiffness of the younger girl’s spine told Hyoyeon that Sooyoung purposely had her back to the door, unable to watch another cherished sister walk out of it. The remaining two faces stared straight ahead. Taeyeon was trembling but staring determinedly at the door handle where Hyoyeon’s hand faltered. Sunny did not move, seemingly even to breathe.

 

#

 

A warm wind is blowing like it was that night

The flowers you lovingly planted have bloomed

Before I know it spring has come again

I still want to deeply sleep like it’s winter

 

Taeyeon did not think as other people did. She ruefully chuckled to herself as she thought of Jessica as a gardener. Sure, the younger girl was not much for the outdoors and definitely not one for kneeling in the dirt under the hot sun, but still, she had planted seeds that had blossomed. 

The leader knew she would not be so without Jessica. The other girl had built up her confidence, passed her own on to Taeyeon. Tiffany would have had a much harder time flourishing in Korea if it were not for Jessica. Hyoyeon and Sooyoung would have an even harder time seeing their beauty, Sunny her place. Yuri would not have found that which completed her, nor would Yoona. Juhyun would never have known she was their sister. Maybe SNSD would not have existed, or at least, survived without Jessica.

Now all of Jessica’s hard work flourished fragrantly around them. The seeds that she had sown and nurtured in each of them bloomed to their full potential. But she had done too good a job. As they grew, she drooped. She had given too much of herself, taken nothing, and had little left. Now her fledglings could succeed without her. Maybe she was a worker bee, a wrongly feared and vital little creature that flew impossibly, tirelessly carrying life to and between each of the other Girls without thanks or much consideration. She, who had stayed up talking with each and every one of them when they couldn't sleep, soothing their fears and frustrations even with each other, ignored her own. And what had they done in return? They had cast her from the hive, cold, without sustenance or ability to make any, and doomed to die alone.

Actually, it is the queen bee who orders the death of the drones once she has no more need for them... Anyone who knows their world knows that. 

Taeyeon hung her head.

 

#

 

The ice princess, master and lover of winter. SNSD could all agree to Jessica’s reign in that way. Seemingly barren and opaque on the surface, warm and cozy inside, underneath a frozen exterior. Beautiful, delicate, unique, like snowflakes sent from Heaven. Joyful abandon, like skiing on snowy slopes. The launch of snowball fights, attacks that never really hurt. Often hibernating, or wishing to hibernate. Storing things, memories, keeping them safe and cherishing them always. Funny little snow creature that thrives on warm hugs. That was their Jessica.

A new season had begun, though, traces of ice melting away as if it had never been there in the first place.

Sunny, a person who had always been known for her warm personality, felt colder than she ever had before in her life, even as she missed the winter. Jessica was not beside her, but Sunny knew that the older girl was lying awake. The smallest SNSD member had always known when Jessica needed someone to hold her through the night. But Sunny could no longer do that. She hadn’t realized that she had come to need Jessica’s presence to slumber as well. 

It was impossible for her to rest knowing that her dear friend was breathing erratically, likely crying. They’d both be up until the older girl’s breathing became soft and even. 

Sunny settled into another sleepless night.

The next morning, she ordered a Jessica body-pillow online. 

But it was useless. 

Still, Sunny could not bring herself to throw it away.

 

You are so very far, so very far from me

To be honest, I miss you every day

Even the very small, very small trivial things

Make me think of you every day

 

Whenever SNSD first practiced after Jessica’s removal from the group, they whipped around to look at the door whenever her voice hit the airwaves. 

No one was there.

After the initial fan meeting in Shenzhen, Jessica’s video cuts were skipped and her image got digitally removed as much as possible from the group shots in their inter-set VTRs. 

Like she had never been there. 

 

#

  

Some of the Girls came to think of her as being a ghost. It was almost easier to accept Jessica as dead rather than her not being with them by her choice or their own fault.

Seohyun closed her eyes when a cool breeze chilled her to the bone. I can feel your touch on my face, Unnie. Tears started to pour down her cheeks again, but a cold blast of wind dried them quickly. The maknae smiled even as a cramp burned by her mouth. Thank you, Sica-unnie.

 

#

  

Tiffany groaned at the first snow of 2014. She was standing on the ledge of their dorm and turned to where Jessica usually was, playing on her phone beside her. “You’re with ...me ...again? Oh.” The brunette sighed deeply.

 

Your comforting scent fills the room

In the flowers scattered around

Because I’m afraid one day I won’t be able to feel it

I want to take hold of even the air that you were in

 

“What are you doing?” Yuri asked Sooyoung when she found the tall girl standing in the middle of the bedroom that she used to share with Jessica, her arms flung wide and her eyes closed.

“...Nothing.” Sooyoung bowed her head when the emptiness inside and around her did not alleviate even the slightest bit. Once she trudged out of the room to go flop on the living room couch, Yuri flung herself onto Jessica’s old bed.

She could sort of smell the older girl’s scent there, if she played enough tricks on her mind.

 

You are so very far, so very far from me

To be honest I miss you every day

Even the very small, very small trivial things

make me think of you every day

 

“Heol, daebak sagun!” Hyoyeon muttered under her breath. Then she froze. She tried not to look to her left, to a silly girl holding a microphone to her pillow's mouth instead of hers.

 

#

  

Yoona dreamt of SNSD's first trip to Thailand as a group. Of volunteering to change teams because Sooyoung was stupid, Seohyun was just a follower, and Jessica never ran. 

Dream-Jessica refused her, saying she didn’t want to be on a team with Yoona and that that was why she left SNSD. She sounded a lot like the mother she always tried to be to Yoona.

The younger girl woke up sweaty and teary but did not bother turning on the air conditioning, didn’t bother trying to find relief. It was a small, meaningless sacrifice, for nothing.

 

A day becomes months

It seems that even in my heart too 

A new spring has come…

 

Over time things got better. Or, at least, they got easier. Smiles and warmth suffused the Girls’ expressions quicker and more fluidly. Somehow that felt worse inside. 

Spring signals the end of winter. 

Almost everyone knows of and believes in global warming.

Maybe winter would never come again.

 

You are in such a far away, far away, far off place

I believe to you every day is spring

On a far off day, a very far off future, if you see me again

Tell me we were always together

 

SNSD watched videos of Jessica interview without them, partly from habit of monitoring their performances. But this was not them; it was her.

Her alone.

Infinitely attuned to her, they saw the suffering clear as day in her eyes. 

Their ice princess was melting, stuck in an endless spring.

 

#

  

Eight Girls stood in a row at the Tokyo Dome, an obvious gap between them in the middle, the center of their world and existence. 

Once the music momentarily halted, everyone on and off-stage held their breath. Some of the members came together quickly while others moved forward as if being dragged. 

Eventually, the opening closed. 

Later, the Girls joined hands as they had done so long ago. Heads bowed, they prayed that things would be like that again someday.