Calling jj_maple

What we do for love

Reviewer: BeHappy

Title (8/10pts): I didn't find the title particularly eye-catching and it's not a very good idea to start a story title with "what".

Graphics/Trailer (5pts): Do the colors, pitcures, quotes, etc, match the feeling of the story? Quality? Is there too much writing? Is the poster/background confusing to look at? Can it be related to the story?

Description & Foreword (14/15pts): "Do you know a friend who is in a one-sided love?" isn't a very eye catching way to hook the reader. Something like, "We all have friends with a one-sided love" would've probably been better because it seems more mature. I really liked the way you used "I" though. The repetition had its desired effect.

Characters (10/10pts): The characters do stay in character. Good job :)

Plot: Is it interesting? (Yes): The plot isn't original, but it still could be interesting. 

Mechanics [Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Syntax, etc] (18/20pts): "A lot insane" is not proper grammar. Correction: Extremely insane. 

"Year Six" and "Year Eight" are really awkward...try "sixth grade" and "eighth grade" instead. It'll help the reader too. 

Flow (8/10pts): You used "let me tell you" a lot in the first chapter. It doesn't flow well because of that. There was a time in chapter two you wrote "oh, you know....it's um...using calculator 12x2=...!!!...ok, I'm back". Truth to be told, the desired effect wasn't successful... 12x2 is considered basic multiplication so when you have the character use a calculator to calculate that, it doesn't make the character seem bright or smart at all. In addition, you said "no, I'm not calculating that in weeks, days, hours.......". That makes it seem like you don't have anything to write about.

Moreover, the reader may also think that it's hard for you to stay on topic. Most readers don't want to sit through something like that and read it. 

Visual things (5/10pts): I strongly recommend a poster and background, or even just a background to make the story look more visually appealing. Right now, it just looks really plain. 

Ending (15pts): (The ending is extremely important! You can rock the story, but bomb the end.) Does the ending make sense? Was the story wrapped up well? If a cliff-hanger was used, was it successful?  *Only graded if story is finished*

Bonus (5pts possible): Was there something off-the-charts impressive?

Extra Comments/Notes/Author's Comment:

I'm sorry this took so long! I was really busy, but I hope this review helps you in your writing!

Total: 63/75

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