○MikiApple○

by yingjumeihua
Tags   oneshot   request   shop   review   writing   midnight   | Report Content

A A A A

 New Moon 
 
 
 
Title: Someday
Author: MikiApple
Chapters: Nine
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Palmtop-Tiger
 

 

Title: (/5)

I'm a little undecided about the title. It's simple and nice and doesn't make me cringe and exit the page. But it's not "unique"  and makes me immediately feel the 'need' to read this story. Overall I like it and the story suits this title.

 

Foreword/Description: (5.5/10)

Honestly compared to the average fan fiction your description is barely existent . I would only really count  the lines  in your poster,  "In this age, the truth was I had nothing to live for." and,  "All the things I had in my hands, there was nothing special about them  Nothing but  one thing"  as your description. 

Also as personal opinion I feel that your "description" is a little misleading and confusing in two ways. 1:  The sentence on the poster gives of a angst feel, where as the sentence in your description gives of a romance feel. 2:  Also my first impression as a reader, when I read  the sentence in your description  I interpreted as Jiyong to be the 'one thing'. "All the things I had in my hands, there was nothing special about them  Nothing but  one thing."  So I expected them to be in a relationship already? So I was surprised when both of the  characters didn't know each other personally and your story was completely different from what I expected. Now that I completed reading your story I defiantly  know her musical talent supposed to be the 'one thing' she had that was special.

With the sentence I was just talking about."All the things I had in my hands, there was nothing special about them  Nothing but  one thing". I think you change the text font, to me it looks to squished and I find it off-putting.  Also it should be quoted !!  Since this is a line that is taken from the first chapter of your story.

Lastly I find your 'tags' misleading , or may I say tag.  The romance tag doesn't belong there in my opinion.  I don't really see any romance between the two characters;  Jiyong and Yunhui, except for the slight crush Yunhui has on Jiyoung throughout the story. I think this mainly contributed to the misunderstanding, confusion and interpretation of my first idea of what your story was about.

Overall description is really important in a story, it's what brings people to read and leave your story. I think having more of a clear description of your story would be beneficial. Because I can bet that a few readers left your story because they misinterpreted it, or that some didn't even click your story because they thought it was going to be based on a romance story.

 

Plot and Originality: (17/20)

I generally enjoyed reading your story. Though honestly it was nothing special  that made me excitedly read on (in terms of originality). It wasn't cringe worthy because the story was too cliché, and it did have a nice message in terms of persuing  your dreams. It had everything a basic story should have; a introduction,  problem/climax, problem resolved and an ending. In plot terms was there supposed to be a romance between Yunhui and jiyong? I found this confusing because he was more of a mentor to Yunhui in the story. Other than Jiyong finding Yunhui and teaching her to follow her dreams via parents, stage, job, there is no major plot and I felt that you could have done this a one-shot rather than nine chapters.

I think your plot lacked the special originality, that would make me quickly recommend it to my friends. I enjoyed reading it, but honestly I wouldn't bookmark it to read again.   

 

Characterisation: (7/15)

The issues of plot originality and characterisation  is where you  lacked the most in your story. I didn't have any problems with any of your characters except for Yunhui and her parents. Quickly, on the subject of her parents  it seems they were just shoved  into the story to quickly create a reason for Yuhui's  character background.  That me and the readers were supposed to link and draw our own conclusion on the reason for Yuhui's personality. More Depth explaining her personality and background,  especially on her feeling for music and her parents involvement with that would have made Yuhui's and her parents characters much more realistic and relatable.


Flow: (13/15)

I didn't have a major problems with the flow of your story. Just characterisation affect the flow and plot of your story a little.

 

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (23/25)

No major problems here in terms of grammar, spelling and punctuation. Though I did notice in the first chapter you made two errors.


"YuHuis  glance glided across her classmates."  Instead of..  ' Yuhui's glance glided across her classmates. ' This made me confused, thinking that her name was YuHuis.

"While the other students started to carry out their cleaning duty, went home or to the library,-Should be a full-stop after library instead of a comma.


Vocabulary: (5/5)

No major problems here! Your vocabulary was varied enough to prevent itself from implementing the readers enjoyment of the story. Also the type of vocabulary fitted the stories setting. Which is really important and often something that is overlooked.


Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (3.5 /5)

I'm giving you bonus points for the meaning behind your story.  (I'm a sucker for story meanings). Half a point because I enjoyed reading your story.

Keep developing as an author, you have great potential and your writing is really good. (It is, I'm not just saying that) All you have to do is work on the areas you lack. ~Hwaiting!~

 

Total: (79/100) | Grade: B

 

Note: This review is meant for constuctive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.
 
Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this in a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, Someday.
 

Comments

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simulacrum  on says about chapter 29:
Thank your for the review! And it's alright if it's late... I'm in no rush plus I understand that you have a life behind your computer! ^O^ I'm glad that I improved (even by a little bit) but there's still room for more and I'll try to strive perfection next time (not like I've been already trying to... but you get what I mean XD)! >:D And for the biological matter, you're right about how she learned that from her studies... I've seen a lot of kids around her age (rl) who knew big words like those (they're the studious kind) so I used that inference in my story! ^-^;;

--SandremSHADE__  on says about chapter 27:
Today i got the oneshot and it is splendid! Thanks a lot for the oneshot and I absolutly love it. No need for sorry, it got mended. And the story was awesome. Thanks once again^^

simulacrum  on says about chapter 26:
I requested again! I wanted to see how much I improved my story for Warmth~ kekeke I have my fingers crossed XD

--SandremSHADE__  on says:
I requested once again. Plz do the fic as quickiy as possible. Thnx.

IFeelGood  on says about chapter 16:
may i ask, how long does it take to write a chapter for this 'story'? you write really long and helpful chapters

--SandremSHADE__  on says about chapter 25:
Can u plz do my story a little quickly? I kno tht u hav a lyf outside this site n stuff but i can't wait 4 long! Hope u kindly get my words. I'll b waiting 4 my story. Thnx.

daeguknamahForever  on says about chapter 2:
I requested.

simulacrum  on says about chapter 25:
Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it :) When I saw those errors it made me really think: "I reviewed it so much, how can this happen?!" well, maybe I wasn't careful enough OTL I'll fix my story, and maybe then I'll actually bring you tears ;D lol I wish.

applecyanide  on says about chapter 2:
Hello, hello, hello. I requested for a review. Just as a warning, since this story was meant as a fanfiction for a specific fandom, it might be confusing for some readers who have never heard of the story (Naruto). So, I would prefer if the reviewer (whoever it is) to at least be somewhat acquainted with it. Then again, he/she doesn't have to be. You can always ask me questions if you need any clarifications, and there's always the Naruto wiki page. I just hope that because the story may be lacking a few background info (cause fans usually hate reading that when they already know /everything/), you guys won't deduct points or anything. I'm just looking for a critical review of my writing, nothing else. Okay, that was kinda long. Sorry! And thank you!

-serendipitous-  on says about chapter 2:
I've applied as a reviewer.

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