○simulacrum○

 New Moon 

  

Title: Yoshiwara Lament

Author: simulacrum

Chapters: One

Status: Completed

Reviewer: yingjumeihua

 

The title is Yoshiwara Lament and because I'm not a Japanese expert, the title doesn't particularly draw me in. For one, I have no idea what ‘Yoshiwara’ is and what it means. The only part of the title that could draw me in is the ‘Lament’ part which means a very passionate way of expressing grief. It is only when I realise that the title is from a song, it all makes sense. It was only until I looked at your foreword and description did I understand what ‘Yoshiwara’ meant. But if the story was deprived from a song, you could always change the title to something more understandable to other readers who do not know that much about Japan. If you did that, then you could mention the song somewhere else in your story. Personally, for me, your story title wouldn’t pop out if I was going through a list of fanfics. One worded titles have always drawn me in more. Maybe if you changed the name of your fanfic to just ‘Lament’ it would interest me more. However, your title does suit the story and I wouldn’t go change your title just because I said so.

 

Foreword/Description: (6.5/10)

There isn't much in your foreword/description that is meant to draw me in. All there is 4 sentences at the very beginning. Afterwards, there is the list of necessary things that should be known before reading the story and then a little bit about the story and what inspired you to write it. Your first 4 sentences don't particularly draw me in. From just reading it, I automatically think that the main character is a shop owner or a shop assistant. Furthermore, I became confused when there is a mention of red bars and a customer walking in. When I read the section that tells me what I should know before reading the story, I realise that the story will mainly be about a girl forced into the life of prostitution but doesn't necessarily want to go on that road. Although this might not necessarily attract all readers, it will attract angst and drama loving ones. Maybe you could improve your foreword/description by adding in something more than just 4 sentences to hook in more readers. Maybe a paragraph would make your foreword/description more interesting and compel readers to start reading your story.

 

Plot/Originality: (17/20)

There isn’t too much originality in your story because there are plenty of other works that have a similar synopsis regarding a girl who is sold into the profession of prostitution by her relatives. A very famous work that has a similar plot is Memoirs of a Geisha. However, you have added a twist in your story. Most similar plots normally have the main female character falling in love with someone who she meets while ‘working’ for them. You have your main character in love with someone from her past that she only faintly remembers. I think that you deserve credit for that.

 

Characterisation: (15/15)

It always annoys me whenever I see a writer give away a character’s personality straight away; fortunately, you haven’t done that. You do show what the character is like; how she treats the girl, her flashbacks, the way she thinks about colours etc., but in a very subtle way. You don’t make it obvious what her characteristics are but you let the reader discover for themselves what the character is like. You let the reader decipher what the character is like and that is something, among any written work, really rare. The reader has to draw conclusions about the character’s personality based on what she does and I think that as a writer, it is an amazing feat.

 

Flow: (12/15)

The flow for your story wasn’t bad but I would say that there were parts where you went a little too fast.  A way of slowing down your story would be to go into more detail. One of the parts that you could have gone into more detail would be the conversation that the main character has with the man. All that you’ve said was that the longer the conversation, the more his lust grew but maybe you could have added in snippets of the conversation they had together. Apart from that you could have gone into more detail regarding the flashback she has. The flashback can be divided into two parts: her memories of Haru and her being taken away. There isn’t any distinct indication and the reader thinks that these two parts flow on from each other. If you went into a bit more detail it would make more sense to readers. You could have also described the climax a bit better because for every story structure, the climax is the point of highest tension. Personally, for me as a reader, there isn’t enough tension. So maybe you could go into a little bit more detail.

 

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (19/25)

*Note: The suggested changes are in red.*

On first inspection, there weren't a lot of grammar, spelling and punctuation mistakes that I found. However, looking closer, there are a few mistakes within each category. Let's start with grammar: there aren't any major problems with your grammar. All I would say is; be very careful of the tense that you use. You start off with past tense and somewhere along the lines, you go into present tense. 

…giggles and moans echoed the place as colors and shades glittered in each room I passed by.

&

… and seemed to be unconscious with his surroundings as he nodded to the shamisen that was being played.

These are both in past tense but you can change your sentence structure to make it present tense. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what tense your story is in. You just need to make sure that you stay consistent with the tense and stick with the same one all the way through. I would recommend that you reread your story and see if there are any other misuses of tense. There are also cases where you’ve added in extra words which don’t necessarily need to be included or you’ve missed out a few words that should be included. 

I stared at each puff of smoke that left from the pipe as it dispersed into the air…

&

The lock to my memories opened, and for a brief moment I saw the color of orange.

&

… it was hard not to stop.

I also found a few phrases which didn’t make sense to me. 

… and his body that was adorned in a green kimono which was green as the spring leaves.

&

I had friends, yet none were truly real. (You need to replace ‘were’ with another word or change the sentence structure otherwise it doesn’t make sense.)

&

The nauseating fragrance of sake that I have gotten accustomed to over the years (add more into the sentence).

As far as I am aware, there are no problems at all with spelling. I scoured your story and only found one spelling mistake: marvelled is spelt with a double ‘l’. What I find weird is that the American Dictionary spells words differently to that of British and Australia so there are times when I see the word ‘color’ when I actually spell it ‘colour’. It’s not your fault because FFO has a spell check device that goes by the American Dictionary but it is something to keep in mind.

Moving onto Punctuation, there weren’t too many mistakes you did here. There was once where you didn’t put the space before the capital when starting a new sentence and where you didn’t put a full stop at the end of the sentence. Those were not my major concerns though. The biggest flaw for you in terms of punctuation would be your overuse of commas. For future reference, your sentences do not need to be extravagantly long and therefore, you do not need so many commas. Some readers prefer it if you actually kept your sentences short and sweet. The general rule for commas is that if you have two in one sentence, then the words between the two can be extracted from the sentence and still make sense. There are many times where you do this but put ‘and’ after the comma and if we apply this rule, most of your sentences would not make sense. What I would advise you to do is put ‘and’ before the comma and it would still make sense. For most people, it is quality over quantity. In order to become a good writer, you do not need long and lengthy sentences. The longer your sentences the more chance there is for an error of grammar or spelling. What makes you good writer is the quality of your sentences. Yes; writing longer sentences show that you have developed some sort of writing skill but that isn’t necessarily the case when you want to convey what you’re meaning to the reader. 

Behind the door was a man in his mid-thirties. He was drunk from drinking too much sake…

&

The man complimented my looks and I thanked him graciously. As the conversation prolonged his lust had grown.

&

They caught my arm as I was about to run. I kicked and fought but all went to vain as I was only a scrawny, little girl against two big men.

The best advice I can give you is that wherever you have really long sentences, try to shorten them by adding in a full stop instead of a comma.

 

Vocabulary: (5/5)

The words that you choose to convey the meaning that you want the reader to feel is wonderful. I haven’t seen any sentences where I would replace a word with another. So as far as your vocabulary goes, it is completely flawless.

 

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment (4/5)

It was a good oneshot which was overall written well. On my first reading it I would say that I enjoyed the story and what I really liked about your story was the way that described certain objects/things in your story. That was really good because it helped your plot and characterisation.

 

Total: (82/100) | Grade: B

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has in anyway negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

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