○sapiya○

 New Moon 

Title: Inseparable Yearning Love

Author: sapiya

Chapters: Thirty

Status: Ongoing

Reviewer: yingjumeihua

 

 

First of all, I just want to say how terribly sorry I am for not having your review completed after months. I am terribly sorry for the months that you waited for this review but I gave it to one of my staff members who eventually told me she couldn’t do it so … yeah, I am terribly sorry about that.

 

 

Title: (3.5/5)

Your title doesn’t immediately grab my attention. It’s a little bit plain and when I first read it, it doesn’t sound like a fanfiction set in ancient times between two people who are not supposed to be together. If anything your title sounds like it is something a bit fluffy and cheesy. (OMG! I feel so bad for criticising you right now.)

Does your title suit the story? Yes, it does. There are so many different loves that are going on in the story that are forbidden and it makes the characters yearn to see the other after being separated because of circumstances out of their control. The title really works well with the story but as far as first impressions goes, it isn’t as captivating as it could be.

 

Foreword/Description: (8/10)

There is one sentence in here about your plot. While the sentence is very complicated, it doesn’t make me feel like I need to keep finding out what happens to the characters. Maybe you should add more detail to that one sentence and somehow give something for readers to be really curiously about, i.e. give it a ‘hook’.

However, everything else that is there in the foreword/description makes your story so much more interesting. The character chart that you put there definitely perks up reader’s interests and makes them want to keep scrolling. I don’t why, it just does. You’ve also added in a video which once more perks up readers’ interests in the story and make them want to click next. The preview, especially the preview, gives readers a bit of an insight into what Kris was like and it describes of the two main characters’ first encounter. If anything it is incredibly interesting, especially towards the end.

I do have one problem with your preview. You have the main characters introduce each other … in Chinese. Um…. Not a lot of people understand Chinese. I know that you can tell that they are introducing each other and you have the entire introduction sentence in Chinese and anyone can tell it is an introduction sentence, but I would still recommend you put the English translation somewhere.

 

Plot and Originality: (13/20)

The plot is basically about the love that occurs between Kris and Tao, considering the circumstances with a hint of revenge entwined and many other forces that are possibly going to pull them apart. It’s not exactly the most original plot out there. Let’s admit it; how many dramas, fanfictions and movies have something like this plot? *cough* Revenge, The Nice Guy *cough*.The person who has revenge implanted in their minds goes and falls in love with someone who turns out to be the person that they have been plotting revenge upon, or is somehow related to the person that they are plotting against. There are heaps of plots like this out there. What makes yours unique is that there are many other stories going on in the background such as that of Yunnie and Chanyeol and possibly Emperor Wu’s story as well. While all their stories are somewhat similar, they are all different in their own way. Individually they are clichéd but altogether, not so much.

 

Characterisation: (10/15)

Your characterisation is quite good but there are a few inaccuracies with each of their characters. Kris is generally a good guy who isn’t like his father and doesn’t want to rule like his father either. He wants to help people especially servants and improve their living style. Personally, for a character that existed in ancient times and being the Crown Prince, it sounds really unrealistic because characters in ancient times behave differently to the way that people nowadays do. In fact, I feel that despite stating in your foreword that this fanfiction takes place in ancient times it kind of is set in modern times which for ancient characters, makes their characterisation a little flawed. It’s not just Kris, its other characters as well.

Tao is bent on revenge but he hasn’t been hardened by it. For someone who doesn’t trust anyone, he doesn’t have any walls and tends to let people in really easily. For someone whose been thinking about revenge and killing Emperor Wu (and probably should have planning this for years), he doesn’t seem so enthusiastic about it. His characterisation is a little bit flawed there.

Despite the flaws that you have with your characterisation, I feel that the character that you have perfected was Yunnie because everything she did was justified and realistic.  

 

Flow: (10/15)

I found your beginning a little choppy but eventually the flow improved. After chapter twenty-eight, the flow dramatically improves and I think it’s because you change from first person to third person.

Everything in your story moves at a fine pace, except for the falling-in-love bit between Kris and Tao. After Kris first met Tao, he is determined to find out more about Tao and be a trusting friend for him. This is something that I find unrealistic because it’s way too fast. And then after one day of knowing Kris, Tao already has possible feelings for Kris? For someone who has a hard past and someone who’s supposed to be completely focused on revenge, Tao doesn’t have any barriers or walls which in theory he should have because he witnessed his parents dying at a very tender age. After one day you can find someone attractive, but you don’t develop feelings for someone after a mere few hours after knowing them. Also, this is in Ancient Times! Even now in modern society, in some countries, being gay is not something that is easily accepted in everyday society let alone, ancient times. Shouldn’t alarm bells be ringing inside of Tao’s head because he’s clearly not supposed to be having feelings for a guy? The next day his heart is already beating faster at the thought of meeting Kris – this happens after months of crushing on someone, not two days. Also, the decision that you love someone and you are willing to go against all that you have been brought up to believe and standby takes a lot of courage and time. To get to this point in a relationship, it takes at least a few years not three days. The only saving grace about this is that Tao and Kris actually realise that everything has been going too fast for them.

Apart from the initial rush of Kris and Tao falling in love, everything else was fine and the flow definitely improved in chapter twenty-eight and further on.

 

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (19/25)

There are a few mistakes in each category which will be pointed out.

In terms of grammar, I’ve noticed that you change tenses. This is only during the first few chapters and it isn’t something that you’ve done all the way through. At the beginning, you start with one tense and then you end the paragraph with another. I suggest that you pick one and be consistent with it so that it doesn’t stop your story from flowing. It’s good that you’ve fixed halfway through your story but your beginning sometimes doesn’t make sense and it would be best if it was changed.

Moving onto spelling; I found a few spelling mistakes in your story. Note that all these spelling mistakes occur in the first chapter.

Tears sting my eyes as I stare at the argument, then at my lifeless mother.

I head for the wash house… (Wash house are two separate words and are not meant to be joined together.)

With a lunge through the air…

“Have you been training a lot?”

You also have a tendency to put common words together when they aren’t supposed to be put together. I recommend that you run your first few chapters through spellcheck, provided when editing the chapter, so that you can fix the spelling errors. It is good to see that in your later chapters, there are hardly any spelling mistakes.

So far I have only seen one incorrect punctuation mark which should have Tao’s dialogue ending with a question mark and not a full stop because he is asking Kris if Kris planned on killing him all along.

Overall, your story doesn’t have too many of these errors and it was good to see that these errors diminished as you progressed through your story.

 

Vocabulary: (3.5/5)

I find that in your story, sometimes you use the right words and sometimes you don’t. But generally, most of the words that you choose suit how you want readers to view your story and your vocabulary is at most times, effective and does its job well.

 

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (3/5)

What I can’t help but point out is that this is an ancient story, and yet you have modern objects appearing in it. This is extremely inaccurate and sometimes throughout your story I was confused as to where this story was located and when it was set. When Kris describes to Tao what the palace looks like, he says that there are chandeliers hanging from the ceilings. There are no chandeliers inside palaces in ancient times because they weren’t invented back then. Also, why does the royal family have glass cups that they use for desert? Royal families, historically, do not use glass cups instead using cups of gold or china and why do they have desert? Why is Pingyang eating desert when it wasn’t even part of any Asian cuisine or culture?

Something that I must give you bonus points for is, however, the videos/songs at the beginning of each chapter. It was background music for readers to listen to and read your story at the same time. It was wonderful and you deserve credit for finding a video that suited the chapter.

 

Total: (70/100) | Grade: C+

 

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this into a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, Inseparable Yearning Love.