○simulacrum○ (improved)

 New Moon 

 

 

 

Reviewer's Note: First of all, I sincerely apologise for getting this review to you this late. I was busy with schoolwork and after that I had overseas school trips which I was not allowed sufficient internet access or any time at all to myself so... I am eternally grateful for your patience.

Also, this review is a little bit different compared to normal reviews. There are two sections of each section (e.g. there are two sections on title). The first/top one is the one that I previously wrote for the first review. The second one where the title is bolded and the font is bigger is the new review. I put them both so that you could compare and such easier.

Previous full review: here

 

 

Title: Warmth (Improved)

Author: simulacrum

Chapters: One

Status: Completed

Reviewer: yingjumeihua

 

 

Title: (4/5)

For first impressions, your title does grab interest. Using one word as your title is effective and there are many different ways that readers can interpret it. As to whether it suits your story or not, it does partially in a way. The main character constantly seeks warmth from her mother which she never receives. I feel that while the current title is good for the story, there are alternate titles that may have better suited the story that play along the theme of ‘cold’ because there are many aspects in the story that indicate the opposite as well.

Title: (4.5/5)

Your title hasn’t changed but due to the changing of the story’s content, the title is now more suited with the story. Because the story now has more mentions of ‘warmth’ and the clearer theme in the story is ‘warmth’ rather than ‘cold’, the title suits the story a lot better than it did previously.

 

Foreword/Description: (8/10)

The foreword/description is not very long. In fact, it’s only one sentence long. It can be split into three parts. The first two parts contain content about warmth and where people can find it while the last part is about endings not being happy. It gives off a melancholic feel to it which suits your title. It definitely attracts readers’ attention especially those who are into this particular genre. I would’ve clicked on the ‘Next’ button to read it.

Foreword/Description: (8/10)

The foreword/description has not changed and it still brings a hook to your story. It captures readers’ interest and makes the audience want to read the story. So it still gets the same points as last time. What I have noticed (which I may have failed to mention last time or something like that) is that the foreword/description doesn’t actually have much to do with the story itself and is quite vague. But that’s okay and it’s better to be vague than to give away all the details.  

 

Plot and Originality: (14/20)

The plot is actually pretty depressing. To summarise, it is about a woman who flashbacks to when she was a young girl who was constantly shunned by her mother. As a little girl, she looks up to her mother and wants to receive a little bit of love and warmth from her mother but she doesn’t. She never does. She secretly yearns for it so much that she feels happy obtaining warmth from objects because her mother never offered her any warmth. It is really sad and depressing but I felt that you could have possibly described it in more detail. You described what she did in reaction to her mother’s treatment of her but you never actually described how she felt – the pain that penetrated her heart when she overheard her mother or the enthusiasm that lessened every time her mother ignored her. Nonetheless, the plot is actually very sad but it never made quite a powerful impact on me, simply for the lack of describing how Sakura felt.

In terms of originality, I think that this idea has been used a lot. A child wanting someone’s love but never actually receiving it is seen commonly throughout dramas and fanfiction. Sometimes the person who the child wishes to receive affections from changes from their mother to either their father or siblings, however essentially, this has been seen before. Considering that this is a slice-of-life fanfic that can be accounted for. Usually because of the harsh treatment, the child grows up cold and withdrawn as a result of the harsh treatment. However, what you have done is that Sakura doesn’t grow up cold but instead yearns for anything that can give her warmth in the place of her mother. She is withdrawn from society but that is purely because she is trying to gain her mother’s warmth, unlike most children growing up in those circumstances.

Plot and Originality: (15/20)

The plot has not changed nor has the originality. The reason, however, for the one point increase is because of the better and clearer description of what is going through Sakura’s head and what she is feeling every time her mother rejects her. It helps the plot along and it helps readers to feel a bit more sympathetic towards Sakura and her struggles in obtaining her mother’s love. 

 

Characterisation: (13/15)

Apart from the main character being depicted as wanting warmth and her mother’s love, there isn’t much else that is said about her. It is said that she studies and that she doesn’t play with other kids, being withdrawn from society however that was in an effort to get her mother to like her, or at least not ignore her. Based on what is told about the main character, you have depicted someone who is very realistic. She feels so sad and wanting so much warmth, she ends up trying to receive warmth from her toys and therefore she talks to them. Even as an older person, she yearns for warmth which she receives from her laptop. The things that she experienced from a young age explain why she is like this perfectly and she is a very realistic character. However, this could be improved by describing her emotions more so that readers have a better insight as to who she is and her characteristics.

The other character in this story is Leila. Sakura’s mother is mean. Her mother constantly neglects her and constantly shuns her. What I don’t understand about her is why she doesn’t love the child like her own in the first flashback when Sakura was simply a normal child. I understand that maybe a part of her resents the child for not being her own or some other complicated history that came from the older generation that results in her being mean to Sakura. However, based on what is provided, readers find her as an unreasonable villain but I am sure that as a mother, she has her reasons.

Characterisation: (13/15)

From before, the characterisation hasn’t really changed that much. From last time, I don’t really find out anything new about Sakura or about Leila. They are still both realistic characters (except for Leila but that is really for reasons unknown as to why she is so cruel to Sakura).  

 

Flow: (10/15)

Your flow is pretty smooth. Everything flows well. The pacing of the story as a whole was good but it could have been slowed down a bit to be more impactful with description on how the main character felt. That would have made your story flow better. What hindered your story from flowing smoothly were grammar, spelling and punctuation errors which will be listed below as well as certain sentences not making sense. However the story has pretty good flow J

Flow: (12/15)

As mentioned above in the plot, the story has been improved by the better description of Sakura’s feelings and the pain that she receives every time she is rejected by her mother. It has also been improved due to better grammar, spelling and punctuation. However, there are still a few mistakes which will be pointed out in the section below. Overall, the flow of the story was better than last time. 

 

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (17/25)

*Note: all suggested changes are in red.*

There are a few mistakes in each category. Let’s start with grammar. Without these changes, the sentences or the clauses don’t actually make any sense.

“A tear had escaped from the rim of my eyes…”

“… when the bell of the grandfather clock chimed…”

In your story, you have the work ‘clock’ as ‘clocked’. ‘Clock’ in this sentence is a noun and therefore does not need tenses added it to it. Tenses are only added to verbs, which is the word after - ‘chimed’.

“It would be nice if your daughter and my son got married when they grow up!”

The original words that were in that sentence changes the sentence structure and the structure of the clause. As a result it doesn’t make sense and in turn, reduced the overall flow of the story.

In terms of spelling, there was only one mistake found.

…taking a small peek through the cracks. 

The word ‘peak’ which was used in the sentence means the highest point whereas the word I believe you should be using is ‘peek’ which means to look quickly in a furtive manner. However, I believe that this is a mere typo. Possibly reading your draft of your story before posting it could prevent typos like this.

Finally for punctuation. In this section the punctuation wasn’t absolutely wrong. It was just that it could have been better improved.

 “Don’t call me ‘Mommy’! How un-lady like of you to say that? Didn’t your etiquette teacher tell you to call me ‘Mother’?

“Yes mother?”

This speech is on a completely different line. It doesn’t necessarily have to be written like that. It should be joined onto the end of the previous sentence instead of on a different line.

 “I have to finish this term paper soon, it’s due tomorrow.”

The ‘I’ of ‘it’ in your story was capitalised when it is not the end of the sentence yet.

Curious as to what the baby looked like, I examined him. He looked about my age.

In between the first comma and ‘I’, there are the words ‘and as’. There is no need for the words to be there because as a result the sentence doesn’t make sense. Also, the second comma which came after the word ‘him’ doesn’t need to be there. The next clause of the sentence can be a separate sentence and separated from the previous by a full stop or it can be separated by a semi-colon ( ; ). The same goes for the next sentence in grey which indicate Sakura’s thoughts.

… as I listened to this, tears fell one after another. I slowly withdrew myself from the door as I silently walked to my bedroom, gripping my hands tightly on my stuffed toy rabbit’s ears.

The full stop indicates a longer pause for readers to take a breather and then continue reading. Short sentences may be more impactful than longer ones especially when they are used to describe emotions or reactions. Also the word ‘withdrew’ is meant to be used because the whole story is in past tense and the flow stops if there is a sudden changing of tenses.

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (20/25)

*Note: all suggested changes are in red.*

There are a couple of mistakes here and there, but significantly less than last time.

“Why is that you, my mother, call me: abnormal…”

I think it is a typo but in the story you put ‘Why is that I, your daughter, call me…” and that doesn’t actually make sense. Sakura doesn’t call herself abnormal and ask her mother about why she does that. It is her mother who calls Sakura abnormal and Sakura is asking her mother mentally why she does so.

“I get straight A’s.”

Originally the story says that ‘I have straight A’s,’ but that doesn’t really make sense. When you change the verb to ‘get’, the sentence makes more sense than it did previously.

 “Don’t call me ‘Mommy’! How un-lady like of you to say that?

When a sentence begins with one of the question words (what, where, when, if, how, etc.), the punctuation to end the sentence is a question mark. The beginning of the sentence starts with ‘How’ and therefore is a question. That means that the sentence must end in a question mark.

While there is the term ‘new speaker, new line’ which applies to every piece of writing, it also applies directly after one character has finished talking and another character is thinking to themselves or has their own little action (do not worry; I am guilty of this myself). This occurs a couple of times but for example, Leila will say something to Sakura. After she does, Sakura will become discouraged and she will look down at the floor or do something similar. If that happens then it must have a new line or be in a different paragraph because we are only focusing on one character in a paragraph. We are focusing on another character and their actions and emotions and that goes in a different paragraph. If that character then has dialogue, that can be included in the part before where they do something or feel something. For example, Sakura has something to say then that bit can go with Sakura’s emotions after Leila has spoken. There are a few instances of this occurring and the best way to pinpoint them out is to read the story again.

 

Vocabulary: (4/5)

There were two instances where the vocabulary needed a little tweaking. Overall, your vocabulary was fine but it was also surprisingly simple which helped your story along nicely.

I snapped out of my conscious when the bell of the grandfather clock chimed, signalling it was midnight.

Technically the word conscious means that you are awake and alert. In the context of this sentence, it doesn’t work as it is the antonym to the word that you are looking for. Conscious could be replaced with a different word such as thoughts or memories. ‘Twelve midnight’ as individual words mean the same and there doesn’t need to be both of them. Only one is enough. In this case, ‘midnight’ is the better suited word for the sentence.

… feeling the cold pane glass on my fingertips that was gradually getting warmer from my touch.”

Vocabulary: (4/5)

Vocabulary, overall, from last time has improved. However there was one thing that irked me out which I am going to mention here even though it can belong in characterisation. In the flashbacks that Sakura has, there is a paragraph where she explains her family situation in her mind. She says that her current father and mother are married due to an arranged marriage and that her father died in a car accident. What surprised me in that paragraph was her language. The words she used, in my opinion, were too old for her age and that shocked me a little bit. I guess that kind of language can be excused if she studies a lot and comes across those words and then uses them in her everyday vocabulary. I still think though that it is a bit unusual for a kid that young to know the word ‘biological’ though (it was mentioned when she was recounting what she told her teacher and classmates when they asked about her parents).

 

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (3/5)

Your story is really sad however alternatively, it could have been even sadder and possibly brought me to tears if it had more description. Although I could sympathise and understand somewhat what the character was going through, I didn’t actually feel like I was actually there. I didn’t feel like I was in Sakura’s shoes, experiencing what she was feeling. Nonetheless, your story has much potential to be impacting and it should be commended that in the process, realistic characters were made.

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (4/5)

I enjoyed your story more this time round than I did last time. I think it was because you added in more description about Sakura and her feelings and the yearning she had for warmth. That was what I really liked about your story this time. Keep it up! :)

 

Total: (73/100) | Grade: B-

Total: (80/100) | Grade: B

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this into a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, Warmth.