○applecyanide○

 New Moon 

 

 

 

Before I begin, I offer my sincere apologies for completing your review so late. I gave it to a staff member to complete but I haven’t been able to contact her so I have done it myself. Thank you for waiting patiently.

 

 

 

Title: The Kakashi Effect

Author: applecyanide

Chapters: Three

Status: TBA

Reviewer: yingjumeihua

 

 

Title: (3/5)

Because I have never read Naruto nor have I been much of a Naruto fan, when I see the title, I don’t really know what it means nor does it absolutely excite me the way that I would have if I had read/watched Naruto. The title doesn’t make any sense to me and therefore, to me, I don’t find it particularly interesting. However, I am sure that there are Naruto fans who stumble across your story and they are very interested in just the title alone because they have read/watched it, unlike me. I would find it interesting but because I don’t know what ‘kakashi’ is (I now know that it is one of the main characters in the story), the title doesn’t work for me. But fear not, this is probably because I don’t really know that much about Naruto…

In terms of whether the title of your story suits the content of the fanfic is a completely different matter. I believe that it does as presumably, that is what the whole story is going to be about. It will be about Sakura investigating the so-called ‘Kakashi Effect’ and it definitely suits the story as the plot is mainly revolved around it.

 

Foreword/Description: (7/10)

Your description tells a bit of what the story is going to about. I believe that there is enough information there to give readers an idea of what is going to happen next. Does it interest me? Somewhat, however, once again it would interest me more if I knew more about Naruto. Using a rhetorical question to ‘hook’ readers’ attention is a good technique but I think that when it comes to fanfics, rhetorical questions are no longer able to ‘hook’ as well as other tactics such as foreshadowing what is to happen in a very simple way that leave readers curious. Your story does have a sufficient ‘hook’ to attract interest and most would keep reading.

Your foreword contains an author note and a list of credits. It is good to see that you have credited wherever you have found the artwork to use in your story. On the other hand, your disclaimer is full of grammar mistakes and as a reviewer, it irritates me. But it’s okay because you’re trying to say ‘I don’t own Naruto’ in a funny way.

 

Plot and Originality: (19/20)

Your story only has three chapters so much of your plot has yet to be developed but you already have a good start. It consists of Sakura, being one of Konoha’s top medics, being given a mission which is to investigate the ‘Kakashi Effect’, which involves her sensei, Kakashi. I think that your story has gotten off to a really good start and personally, I cannot wait to see what is going to happen next. I feel really excited for what is to come out of your story. Your plot has the potential to keep readers interested for quite a lengthy amount of time which is good for stories.

I’m not sure about the originality of the story but I have a feeling that because Naruto is so big and popular, this plot may have been used before. I haven’t seen countless of stories revolving around Sakura and Kakashi and the possibility of him having a disease and she having to investigate it. I think the idea is unique and I don’t think it has been commonly seen before. Your originality is very high up there.

 

Characterisation: (14/15)

Once again, because there are only three chapters, it is extremely hard to determine how good your characterisation is. So far, the most developed character would have to be Sakura because she is incredibly realistic with her emotions and through her actions, readers are able to sympathise with her and what she is going through. Readers are able to understand her emotions when being put in this type of situation and she has the potential to become a very well-written and rounded character. I believe that as the story progresses, readers will look forward to her characterisation and anticipate what she will do next.

Even though Sakura has potential to be quite well-developed, I don’t see the same happening with Kakashi. All that readers can inference so far is that he sometimes has a short temper and is also somewhat anti-social; however, at times, he can act quite a bit out of character. I think his characterisation needs a little bit more work to be where Sakura’s characterisation is at this point. He can potentially be a very good character but he needs a little work, in my opinion.

I don’t know why but my favourite characters are Tsunade and Shizune. Tsunade seems realistic for someone her age, without the alcoholic part but that is what makes her unique. I think she has the potential to be a good character for Sakura to look up to and hate at the same time. Not much is known about Shizune but the reason that I like her is because she just gives Kakashi and Sakura odd looks and it is probably because she suspects that something will happen between them. In a way, she is similar to the ‘match-maker’ or ‘cupid’ of the story and that’s why I like her as a character. She also has potential to become a well-developed character as well.

 

Flow: (12/15)

Your flow was pretty good as the plot started to develop at a nice pace. Your flow was sometimes disrupted because of grammar, spelling and punctuation errors which disrupted the flow. However, there wasn’t much disruption of the flow as most readers notice grammar and spelling mistakes more than they notice punctuation mistakes as commonly seen in your story. Something to point out is that while your story does have those errors, it doesn’t have a lot of them and therefore, they don’t disrupt the overall flow of your story which was aided by the description of the scenes.

 

Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: (21/25)

*Note: all suggested changes are located in Chapter 1 and are in red.*

There was one mistake in the grammar and spelling isle while there were a couple when it came to punctuation. Let’s start off with grammar. The grammar mistakes I saw in your story were located in the other chapters. It was mainly just an extra word that was added in that didn’t make the clause make sense. They can be easily averted by reading through each chapter and grammar mistakes will stand out especially when you read it out loud. That’s all, but overall your grammar is pretty good.

There was only spelling mistake that I could find in your story and that was:

… Kakashi was overwhelmed by the putrid stench of alcohol…

The word that you originally spelt was ‘stank’. That could have been a grammar error or a typo. If it was a typo, then the word would then be changed to ‘stink’ but when put in the context of the sentence, it doesn’t make sense. So, the conclusion would be to change the word completely to ‘stench’ to fit in with the sentence.

Punctuation had a couple of errors here and there.

…and as one of Konoha’s top medics, Haruno Sakura, is determined to find a cure.

Just as her assistant, Shizune, walked in…

“… Face it, Ino, many of us are working…”

Commas are used for a variety of different reasons. In this particular case, it is used to separate extra information from the rest of the sentence. In all of these cases, the comma goes either before or after the name mentioned in the sentence when commas are supposed to go on either side. This will show that the information inside the commas is extra information and if the word/name was omitted from the sentence, the sentence would still make sense. The names are extra information because without them, the sentence would make perfect sense on its own.

The audience applauded politely as a pink-haired kunoichi…

She gave a large grin in return, followed with an ever-so-humble…

Tsunade let out a terrifying giggle, scaring the darker-haired girl…

Hyphens are used for a multitude of purposes. They can also be used to join two or more adjectives together that come before the noun in the sentence that act as a single idea. When describing what colour someone’s hair is, keep in mind that whatever the colour is comes and then the hyphen before the word ‘haired’. This is because the two adjectives act together to create one adjective and therefore need to be hyphenated.  

 

Vocabulary: (4/5)

Overall, your vocabulary suits your story. It isn’t impressive with a long line of sophisticated words nor is it extremely simple to the point that it is redundantly done. I don’t have any problems with your vocabulary because it helps the story along and it helps with the flow of your story as well as setting the atmosphere for readers. However, there is one place where I think that needs a bit of improving.

Strands of her hair stuck to her cheeks and dried drool clung onto the sides of her mouth.

The original sentence sounded a bit weird because I didn’t think that ‘flaked’ was the right term to use. It sounded funny.

 

Bonus Points + Overall Enjoyment: (5/5)

Personally, I quite enjoyed the beginning of the story and I look forward to how the story will unfold. I love how from the get-go, you have already created a set of characters and plot that has a lot of potential for growth and success. I think that this story is going to do very well and it has been a pleasure reading and reviewing it.

 

Total: (85/100) | Grade: B+

Note: This review is meant for constructive criticism. However if the opinion in this review has negatively affected you, your feelings or your writing style, please tell us. You deserve an apology even if it is unintentional.

Thank you for requesting from us. Remember to comment once you have seen this review. If you want to you can put this into a blog because there is no guarantee that this review will be here forever. And also remember to credit this shop in the foreword/description of your story, The Kakashi Effect.